Burden To Bear

Hi There!!

I had a question in my mind that I thought I might share kinda just makes since to. And I think alot of people can relate to it or going through it... The e-mail simply said:

Hi, What is the moment that most impacted you to know that this is your life? And what thoughts or reactions did you have? With being pregnant or with your son?

From someone just looking for some answers.

Well...... Umm as most young girls we would probably all be thinking the same thing. What am I going to do!! Or my parents are going to kill me. Or how about my life is over.... I have heard that from lots of people and YOUR life is not over!!

My "Lets Get It Together" moments would have to be the bathroom ha ha. I don't know why I always choose to find my peace there but I do. Maybe its a "Rest" room. Just for me. My things I can recall would be a moment of clarification in my life. Which I will talk about but, remembering that at such a young age it is only natural for you to be afraid or worried. You are not financially ready or mentally ready for the changes that are about to happen. Its ok to think that, it does not mean that you hate this baby coming or that your life is over and that my son/daughter is going to hate me because I couldn't even bare to know if I wanted them. Honestly even if you are married with everything together thoughts of CAN I DO THIS are going to be in your head! Once that child comes you will not remember a life without him/her. It will be like y'all have always been together no matter what. Kids are one of the many AMAZING gifts God gives us! And such great miracles to! The Burdens of children are hard and that's why God has a plan for that. Its first a Man and a Women getting married making a home then having children with two people that love and respect and honor and well have that covenant that God has covered them with "Marriage". So yes, its only natural to be afraid nothing is in order.

So here's a story about something that I have gone through. I remember a "Ah Ha" moment would be one day cleaning my kitchen. My son was born still pretty small. He was crawling around the little duplex looking, discovering with those eyes of wonder. As I watch his little eyes look at the sun reflecting in a mirror making little diamonds around the room, with a smile trying to figure out what is that? Moving his hand back and forth trying to grab it. I see his innocence and stop to think... I look at the sink, turn around and look at the living room. Walk back over to him give him a kiss and walk to his room. I lay him down for his nap, turn around to close the door. I had to pick up the door off the floor and put it in the frame to close it. Yes, it sounds ghetto but I had to make sure it was closed. The door had fallen off because I do not like to argue. One afternoon My X-husband wanted to argue about who knows what. I took my son into his room. Sat him down next to his toy box turned around and he was coming in still trying to yell. I quickly moved over and closed the door not knowing I had smashed his hand in the door which by the way he had broke about week before. He screamed and punched the door so hard it came right off the hinges and fell on the bed. I said, WATCH IT! What if he had been there? His reply was my hand is broken and YOU slammed the door on it. I grabbed my son and left over to my mothers which was about four houses down. Not saying a word to her about it. Just making small talk and getting my son in a calm place. As that flashes through the memory of the door. I stopped and thought what am I doing? I turned to walk back in the living room and sat down. The front door bell rang. I looked out the window and it was some of his friends. I made sure the door was locked and the back and went and sat in the bathroom floor in the dark. Jesus? Can you hear me? I know that I am not perfect and I don't deserve it. But I work so hard on keeping this place nice or clean or being a mother. Why can't you come to my rescue? Where are you? I put my head in my hands and started to cry. Looked at the carpet in the bathroom... Which by the way I HATED! Thinking seriously who wants carpet in there bathroom. The toilet never worked right and it had flooded and the bath tub also leaked I decide to rip it all out. I was so upset that it really didn't matter. I graded a corner and ripped up and there was tile under there. Little white nice tiles with tiny blue flowers. WOW, who would have known? Finished getting it up, and got all the nails out. And fix the door way part so the carpet in the hallway wouldn't come up. Smiled to myself I feel alittle better. Turned the radio on and shut the light back off and became very quiet. This place would be falling apart if it I had not been there to take care of it the best I could. When is it my turn for someone to take care of me? I started thinking again about the innocence of my son and what life I really wanted to give him. How my heart was changing and really how tried I was. I am like a single mother I thought to myself. Got up washed my face and went to lay down. After awhile I got up and got ready, took my son to my mothers before my shift at work. When he came home, I said look at the bathroom looks good huh? I guess, you can tell a girl had a hand in it. And I was still pretty upset about everything else and having no help. I said very rudely, well its better then no hands at all. Somebody had to take care of this place. The old saying you want it done right do it yourself. He quickly laughed and said, yea your right! I will start by helping you work out so maybe you can lose some weight and maybe it will be done right. Tears fell from my eyes. Oh really huh? That's real nice, thanks for making sure I feel even worse about myself. Oh I don't need to help you with that its called a mirror. Whatever! I yelled. I am going to work I went to the bathroom and grabbed my makeup bag because I knew I was going to cry and didn't want anyone to know. As I turned to leave, I said it would be real sad one day when I am no longer here. He said, Nope leave no one is stopping you! You said, we grow up and change. But I didn't mean it like that I meant its time for you to become a husband and Father. I went to my car and he said, By the way I need that took the keys and said go ask your mom for a ride or take her car! I have plans. Work wasn't to far so I walked. All the way there so mad! I couldn't breathe. I got to work and did my shift, not letting a soul no anything was wrong. I grabbed my stuff and headed out the back. When one of the girls saw me walking they said NO! its to late and dark. I will give you a ride. I said Thanks, lied and said having car issues. To embarrassed to say anything about it. She dropped me off. The house was dark. No one was there went inside to change to go get my son. Sat back down on the floor and bailed. It was my "Ah Ha" moment. JESUS! save me please God I can't take it anymore!! Hit the CD player to play. The CD in the top was a mix of some stuff I have burned from my little collection of music. I had not listened to all the songs on it yet. Turned up the music and The song started to play. And that's when I first said it, If He and Things are not going to change please please, GET ME OUT OF HERE! I sat back down on the floor and listened to the song.


Beauty from Pain by Superchick







That song was from God it was the perfect moment and the PERFECT song! It really changed my life from that point. It was like a "Promise" that He gave me. He will bring beauty from my pain. That Promise I never let go I held onto it until I made it out and through it. The song described every emotion and thought I was having. It was like he spoke right to me instantly.


Seeds Of Hope by Terese Holloway published by Creation House - God would not give me A burden to bear; To only cause grief And overwhelming despair. Along with each burden He'll give me faith to believe; He'll give me hope in the midst Of all I hear, feel and SEE!


Girls, don't let anyone ever tell you things about yourself that are NOT true. Those kind of scars are deep and the more you let build up the worst it is to get rid of. Stop that kind of abuse right at the beginning. Honestly HE is not going to change. You may think he loves you but really I think to most "boys" love the idea of you being his babies mama and cooking, and cleaning and really being his mother. Some guys use those hurtful words because they think if you think your UGLY,NASTY,FAT you won't leave or drill it in your head that NO one else will love you. That is a lie! And if you trust in the Lord you will find your happy. My quote on my fan page last night was, It is good to have a end in a journey, but it is the journey that matters in the end...... Very true. I learned that when I was looking for a Husband to respect, love,have humor, laughter, most important faith in God. I wanted someone that knew what it meant to have that relationship and knew that children and Family was very important to me. Guess what girls I found that man. He loves respect and Honors me as his wife and mother of his children. He helps and takes good care of us. We have our moments but the love I have for him is different and means more to me than anything. When you find what God is wanting you to look for go out and get it. I am glad I was given the chance to go out and find it. It was that promise that God gave me I will remain and there will be beauty from my pain and its not the end for me. And I choose to hold on to the Promise of there being a "Dawn" my sunrise.

So I did pretty much answered the question, I answered it as I knew that it was my life but I wasn't going to let it BE my life. My faith in God was so powerful but my hope and self esteem was running pretty low. And about being pregnant and my son I guess I answered your question. I tryed so hard to make a family and a life and make sure that he was happy and loved. Lets just say my son was loved and I made him my focus on getting away and out for a better life. That was my "Ah Ha" moment.


Ok so if you feel like this story relates to you feel free to email me Honestly God blessed me with great amount of strength and I did most of it alone. Or just God and I. And lots of Faith don't be afraid to tell someone its ok to feel like you can't do it alone. Sometimes when we are the ones in the relationship we don't see what is going on. And it makes it hard to believe that were not CRAZY like they said. Or that we are just losers and are nothing. Your main concern is if you are not married. You shouldn't be living together. That's a whole another story. But that should be your first clue. Does he respect me enough to marry me? Promise rings and lets get engaged in a year NO. That's what is wrong with us today make them fight for you. Make them show you that you are number one and they want you to be apart of there life. And if you are married step back and ask God
to show you not only a window but to open that door. And to have faith that when you go through to close it. Remember you will remain even through the pain and healing it hurts but you will make it. And like the poem says "He'll give me hope in the midist Of all I hear, feel, and see!" He will bring beauty from your pain. I am living proof of that one.

signing off- SmTownTexasGirl

What Upon The Vision

Hi There!!

Seeds Of Hope By Terese Holloway published by Creation House - God sows me in His whirlwind-- I cannot pick my landing spot; For; if my Father is not in it I am just an empty pod. BUT, if its, HE who truly sows me into a rich and fertile ground; My fruit will be in excess, And my soul be upward bound.

Defination of Grief - is a multi-faceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond was formed.

Sorry I have not written I felt as if I was suppose to wait. So when I am told to hold back and wait I did. Tonight after really sitting back and thinking about my blog. I started getting what I really wanted to talk about. I hope that what I am going to talk about is what the comment ment. The funny thing is I really didn't know what to say about Grief. I thought to myself, Thank you God for not letting me go through such intense Grief with the loss of a loved one. But then After the weeks went by I know he showed me that Grief is just Grief. We all feel pain and we all go through some sort of a "Grief." So I looked up the defination of Grief what a perfect defination. "Particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond was formed.


7 Stages of Grief -

1. Shock and Denial
2. Pain and Guilt
3. Anger and Bargaining
4. Depression, Reflextion and Loneliness
5. The Upward Turn
6. Reconstructon and Working Through
7. Acceptance and Hope


Grief is a somewhat commplicated and misunderstood emotion. Yet, grief is something that, unfortunately, we must all experience at some time or other. We will all inevitably experience loss. Whether it is a loss through death, divorce or some other loss, the stages of grieving are the same. I am glad that I took some time to really think about what I am going to say about Grief after thinking about my own life and to others I realized that Grief is one in the same. I read all the definations and looked at all the pages it had for it. They all boil down to the same thing. That the Stages Of Grief all happen to us and the emtional part depends on how the person handles it. I am going to Give 3 examples. Two of them are from my own personal life, and the other is from someone that I know very well and respect. I hope that she doesn't mind.

I will start off with my own personal. When I really learned what Grief was and how the emtion is so powerful over your life. I realized if I would have know this 6 years ago I bet things would have been a little different. Lets start back from some of my first blogs.......With the two examples I went through teenage pregnancy and a divorce at such a young age. I really never couped with it right. Everything I read it was like WOW I went through all of that thinking... Shock and then its my fault... To HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME "Anger" and Then I guess I am not worth anything "Depression." To just wanting to not be alone "Loneliness." To one day remembering that it didn't hurt and it was all gone..... And remembering that its all going to be ok! And I am going to find someone to love me and I am going to have someone love my son "Reconstruction" and "Acceptance." I have had many things that have caused "Grief" in my life.

Crazy huh? How things work. When I was at church this last Sunday. Pastor Todd was talking about somethings that I was confussed or is that me? Kinda thing, It was all junked up in my head. I didn't feel guitly or that I had done something but that I was looking for something. The whole time I was there I wanted to know. I wanted more of it. It almost felt like "Grief" like I didn't want to let it go or I wanted it to stay. As I went to the front, I stood there... Thinking and Thinking What? God what are you saying? Just then a amazing women came up to me and said, What is He Telling you? I stood and thought what is he telling me? I told her I don't know? So I waited for a minute and said he said the "Door is NOT closing" but after that everything I felt was scrabbled.... and then I heard You are aren't there yet. You need alittle more. As I repeated that she said That is a lie. God isn't telling you that. I kinda already knew that...Hard to tell haven't felt that before. She told me the tears that you are crying are tears of Joy and wanting God presence so Bad! That you don't have to be ready for him to move on your life. She gave me the encouagement that I needed that I have changed my life and things are looking up. I have pretty much changed everything I do now. I want to be used the way that I am suppose to. I go when he calls and I say when he speaks. I said But I am ready! She said I know and God knows. There is nothing wrong with wanted more and that she has been here and felt the emtions that flooded over me at that instance. The feeling hurt and I longed for it. As if it was a form of something I had felt before. If I only knew that God was what I was longing for way back then I might already be there.

Anyways I know someone that was such a great person in my life. I did write about her in my first few blogs. I am not going to use her name just incase she doesn't want anyone to know its her. I will call her Kelly. Kelly was young when we first met. Her mother had just passed away not to long after we became friends. Her life was a little crazy meaning that she had a pretty mean boyfriend that we got her away from. And she was going through "Grief" of the loss of her mother. After that Her and I were bestfriends we always did everything together. My son grew up around her. If I needed anything I would call her or she would me. We were always talking and we could talk for hours about anything. Then all my issues started.... and the changes and the "grieving" set in. We went on as nornal. Kelly had something happen to her that was pretty diffecult and it was her boyfriend he had past away. My heart hurt for her. I know that the shock part lasted for awhile and everyone is different on how they react to what happens but for her it did last awhile which was good. So she could try to make the best of what was going on. Then after awhile I felt like my life was changing. It was just different from where it was going to be and what was going to happen. I know now that the timing might not have been right in my eyes. But what I felt in my heart it was time to start over with "change" and focus on my family and I had to do it. She was getting into the "Pain and Guilt" stages. She was there when I told her that I was moving on and then thats when the craziness happened. It happened between the both of us. She said things and I said things. The werid thing is.... After thinking about what we both said things that had to do with our "Grief" in life. Maybe because we both thought it would cut deeper? I don't know. But after all that... she did write me. It was very nice. I thought about everything that was said and how much her and I have been through together the crazy, good, funny, sad, and hurtful times.I wouldn't trade it for anything. I hope that I was there for her just as much as she was there for me. I know that not only did we lose each other in my slient times I realized that I did Grieve for the loss of my bestfriend. I asked God why did it have to be this way? Or just get angry all over again. I remember accepting it and not talking to anyone about it just keeping things to myself or surpise people when they asked how she was doing and I would say I am not sure. I always keep things to myself. Then thats when I got the letter which to me was just a sign from God. That we are to move on and that we should value who we were and what we thought about each other in our times of need. Grief is powerful it will make you change who you are and what you say. I know that we were friends in that time of our life to teach each other and we were friends because thats how it was suppose to be. So for all the grieving in our lifes Kelly! I still thank God for you and that you were always there for me. And I thank God that I was put in your life. We never had a fight. But when we did it ended it all. I know that from what you said in your letter is what I prayed about for you everyday and that it was time. The old saying is we grow up and go on. I just never thought it would be with us like that. And that we were to move on in different directions without a GoodBye. Like I said Maybe one day we will run into each other and I will DEF say HI! I do think God that he showed me how to listen to him and do what he asks but it was probably one of the hardest things for me to do. I am a different person now and I do like the changes I have made to become more like he wants me. The tears I cry now are the Joy of wanting more for my life and family. I have accepted the loss of all the people in my life and I am waiting for the "Vision" He has for me!

Seeds Of Hope by Terese Holloway published by Creation House - You see, it's only in HIS vision That my heart will truly know; All that HE'S prepared and The mysteris He'll unfold. So though the visionseems to tarry May I put my trust in Him; Ever hoping in the promise That's He's given me within.

So Today if you are in some kind of "Grief" trust in that promise he has given you. That He is going to be there to wipe the tears and that he is going to help you with your stages. And Don't forget that when you accept what has happened to you. Thank God for pulling you through and either you will see that loved one again or He will show you the Sunshine again! So Keep your eyes on the vision!! You have no idea how much this speaks to my heart. I am so glad I waited to write this. I know that Gods vision for me is very close and its just a matter of time. May God Bless everyone of you tonight.

For the vision is yet for an appointed time; But at the end it will speak and it will not lie. Though it tarries, wait for it; Because it will surely come, It will not tarry. - Habakkuk 2:3


This Video is for you "Kelly" this is the perfect song. I hope you enjoy For all the young times and crazy nights! :)They just made us stronger and we shouldn't ever regret who we are today! Stay Strong and I hope that you continue to find God and that your life and things that you are going through that God will never leave your side and all the "Grief" in your life that God shows you how to use to for his kingdom and that you will save others with there pain and journey!

Signing Off - SmTownTexasGirl

Window Of God

Hi There!!!

This is on page 31

I received a e-mail from a very nice women named Cathy. She told me a story about her and her daughter.
She asked me to make it a story not just her telling me something about her life. I told her it was a great story and it brought tears to my eyes, and that I really would like to post her story. She explained that its not in a story setting. So I ask her how she felt in those moments what was the day like and ect. And I would try my best to capture her moments and put them into a story. She said that this was a blessing to see some small stories that I have written or put my life into detail. She said that she googled Devotional books daily reading. As she went through them and looked she came upon my blog. She stopped to read and kept on reading. What made her realize her story was important to share was in one of my blogs I made the comment no matter what they did to you God still loves them just as much as you. She said it was a easy decision to make on buying a devotional book she is buying "Seeds Of Hope" So Thank You Cathy!

Cathy's story is amazing and is truly a "God Wink" if you have not read this book its great full of short stories just like Cathy's and mine. Cathy asked that I find her a poem just for her or something that she can think of in her moments of grief. I told her I would and when she gets the book she can read everyday!


Seeds Of Hope by Terese Holloway published by Creation House - Only God's Window, in time can bring, The bud of a rose, as it blooms in the spring! Only the eyes of the heart can behold; The grace of HIS love, and ALL that it holds. For each sun must set, and each flower die; Here for a MOMENT, then lost from the eye! It's God's open window, I peer through each day; That allows me to see, His Love on display!


So Cathy this is for you and your daughter I hope I capture just what you wanted the story to sound like! Thank you for answering questions and reliving your memories to make this the best story it can be like you said this is for Kristen.

When my daughter was born, she brought so much happiness and hope to my husband and I. We loved every minute we had to spend. She was such a great baby, never fussed and just wanted attention and to have our love. From the time she was a little girl she loved Blue Jays. Everything had to be that Blue Jay blue and she was a must have girl that just "Mom can I please have that? See it has a Blue Jay on it!!" I would smile, and say will honey I guess. Where are you going to put it? Well, maybe Daddy can build me a big shelve to put all my Blue Jays on? I don't have anymore room. You are right maybe he can build that it would be nice. Kristen was our only child. We never had anymore. So some may think she is spoiled, but she was the only one to give anything to she got what the other brothers and sisters would have gotten if they were here. Her Father made her a shelve that took him forever to make it was the size of her room wall. She would take special care of her Blue Jays. She always took them on show and tell. She colored them, and just loved them. We lived in South Texas so you never see them that much. And when Kristen saw them. It was a must stop and look, pause and listen. Mom look! A Blue Jay! Did you see? Yes honey I did see the Blue Jay. We warned her since she was a child that Blue Jays might not be the nicest of the birds and to stay clear just in case, she was in there space.
Every year for Birthday or Christmas we would try to find her at least something with a Blue Jay or anything that had to do with it. As she got older it just turned into her hobby and really didn't obsessive over it. I brought her a pin to go on her shirt for the last day of school every year. But this year was special she was finally graduating High School. I told her, put it on your gown so we can see it. She said, Mom I will make sure then I am taking it to put it on my tassel so that it will stay there. I turned to look and said, Great Idea!! She walked across the stage and Her father and I were filled with Joy! As we got home and she went out for the after graduating parties I told her to be careful and that I love her so very very much! She kissed my cheek and left. A few days went by, and I asked her so are you ready for college? She said yes I am but there is something I have to tell you. What is it? I wondered, what has she done, is racing through my head. She stared up at me and said I am going to a different school not the one we discussed. I said Oh? really what are your thoughts and where? Well mom I chose this one because I have more friends going and it has a better Vet School for me there. I said Of course. Well you will need to talk to your father about that too. Because remember your scholar ship does pay for lots of it and we are not made of money. Well that's the catch, there are no dorms for me to stay in I will need a apartment. What do you think? I stopped to think, what in the world is she thinking! Umm, you will need to talk to your father I said calmly. After talking to her Father we left to go there to check out apartments of course we did. We got to the city and I told her your Father has put us on a budget. So we must pick in the budget! Got it? Yes Ma"am I got it! We looked and looked. Finally found a ok and nice one for the money. She said she loved it. But I just really didn't like the feel here. So I told her I would discuss this with her Father. We left and I got all the information on the place so that we could do the rest other the phone. After getting home we all sat down and spoke about the apartment. Her Dad let her know that it wasn't the best part of town and she would need to be careful. She said its not that bad! I promise I have friends that live close by. He said I know but becarful.
Well the day came to move her out. I told her she would have to take all her Blue Jays and laughed. No your room will be here waiting for you always. Her father loaded up the truck. Kristen! Yes she said in a tone of what now, Please be careful don't get into trouble. And pick your friends wisely. If you ever need us for anything we are here! She told me yes mother! Kristen and DON'T drink and drive! I will not Mother! Ok, did you get everything yes, I even got my tassel its in my rear mirror hanging there! Its going to college with me.
She left and had a great first month. It was late about 12:30 at night when the phone rang. Hello? I said. Yes is this Cathy? Yes it is How can I help you? This is the police department. Is your daughter named Kristen? Yes? What is wrong?? I said in a hurry. I am sorry to tell you this Cathy but your daughter has been killed tonight. WHAT?? I said with a scream! This is not funny! Who is this? Ma'am this is the Police Department. This is not a joke. Can you come down here? Yes! Yes! My husband and I will be there we live four hours away. But we will be there! What Happened??? I said with my heart racing so fast. I felt like I couldn't breathe that everything was all in slow motion and not real. She must have been on her way home. Another driver ran a red light and hit her on the driver side. She was killed upon impact. The other driver was very intoxicated. And is in custody. I sat in silence as the reality started to sat in. I asked where they were located and just hung up the phone. That drive was the most longest drive of my life. I think my husband really never said a word. We didn't even get ready we just got in the car and left. I prayed that she was ok and that God would take care of her. Even though they told me she was gone. As we arrived to the Police Department they told me to come with them and they will drive to identify the body. I said ok I will go and my husband still did not say a word. As I saw her and the pain she must have gone through. I had so much hate build up it was like a volcano ready to explode. I held it in the best I could and screamed and cred and left outside. The Police women ran and grabbed me and hugged me hard. She told me she has daughters and can't even imagine the pain in my heart with huge tears handed me a napkin. I took it and said, Yea but your only child?
We got back in the car and I looked at my husband what are you going to do? He looked back and said lets get a hotel for the rest of the night. The police officer said that would be a great idea. Lets find you a place to rest leave that to us. I said, that would be fine. And said is the person that killed her still alive? The police officer said yes. And we have him in custody and he is not going anyway. The Father looked at the officer and said, How old is He? Umm sir we really can't disclose any information right now. HOW OLD IS HE!!?? He said with a hurtful tone of distress. The women police officer said, 22 years old. No one said anything as we got back to the police station. They were kind enough to help us find a hotel and drive us there.
We got there and went in the hotel having nothing. One of my daughters friend called and talked with many tears and she stopped by the next morning with her parents which had the necessities that we needed to get up and clean up. I didn't talk nor my husband. I felt so numb like time had stopped and nothing was going on. Kristen's friend wanted to drive with me and asked her mother to drive us. We got in the car with Kristen's friend and mother. My husband road our car with Kristen's friends Dad. As we got home with another longest and tearful drive ever. I just asked everyone to go home and I really needed to talk to my husband alone, he hasn't really said a word. I was in the kitchen putting somethings up. I heard my husband upstairs in her room. I went up there and said what are you thinking? He said sharply Why didn't I pick a better side of town! We knew that was a party side of town! Where the kids stay because it close to the college and bars!! Saving money was not worth my daughters life!! I screamed stop yelling!! Its ok! We didn't know this was going to happen! ITS NOT YOUR FAULT! People drive drunk anywhere in town. Not just that side! I love you and we will make it through this! He walked out of her room and screamed with tears, HE WAS 22 YEARS OLD! And my daughter was not even 19 yet! She will NEVER get married, we will never have grandchildren I will never walk her down the aisle. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?? Its not going to be ok! I had a reality check at that moment and fell to my knees and cred. My husband ran and picked me up and hugged me and said he was sorry. His heart has never hurt so much then it does right now. We held each other and cred.
Our home church called and wanted to take care of the entire funeral. I said no thank you but they said please. You can pick out whatever you like and we will do the rest. If you have something in mind we will make sure it happens. The day came to say Goodbye to my daughter. It was the hardest day of my life. We arrived at the church. And to my surprise everything was blue. All the Sunday school children all colored her Blue Jay pictures. The flowers were all pretty blues and whites. They made it look like a garden. The preacher spoke about her, knowing her personal life and her child hood well. Then one of Kristen's friends stood up and gave a speak and how that night they were all studying and she said, that it was getting late and had a huge test in the morning and needed to get some rest. I said goodbye and never thought I would never see her again. It was sweet letting all the young adults know how precious life was. She walked down and pulled something out of her pocket with tears she said, You never left the last day without it! Congrats On Graduating to Heaven and put her tassel with the Blue Jay on it with her in her casket. I broke down, couldn't hold it in anymore. Why me Lord? Why my daughter?
It was a year later the day she pasted. I was sitting outside in our swing chair, the breeze was nice and the air smelled sweet. My mind was thinking about her and how I was this day last year knowing that I will never see her. I stopped and ask God. Do you even remember why? All I need is to know that she is safe and that you are taking care of her? I want to know that she went quick? I want to know that she felt no pain? I want to know why my heart hurts so bad? Do you even hear me Lord? I turned to look and on the bench next to me was a Blue Jay. He sat on the swing bench like that is where it was suppose to be. I looked thinking WOW! Look Mom! Do you see it! And silent tears started to fall. I didn't want to scare it away. The bird sat there like it felt safe with me. Like it knew I wouldn't hurt it. At least 15 minutes of no moving and the bird flew to her window seal and then flew off. I smiled with tears and told God thank you. The Blue Jay just reminded me of how safe it felt, the kindness and calmness it was with me. I know in my heart that God sent that Blue Jay to show me that he does care and does listen. And those sweet words of LOOK MOM! Do you see! Sweeped over me like it was yesterday. I did feel peace after that. Knowing that she is in a safe place and that she is peaceful and that she is ok now. I left the backyard and went to the front to grab the mail there was a letter addressed to Kristen's Parents. I opened it and it was from the parents of the boy that hit and killed Kristen they donated money for a sign to be put up right where she was killed.It says DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE in Memory of Kristen 1992-2008. I couldn't believe it. The letter was short and said this was the least we could do. Please forgive our son. I closed the letter and took it inside and left in on the counter. My husband saw it. He couldn't believe it. Wow, this is right by the site? Yes sir it is. Why did they do that. Because they must have felt it was necessary. Well it wasn't. His pain was still deep. I went to the next court date for the real trial. It took so long because there was another person in the car injured and killed. So it took awhile to get this boy behind bars. I was so ready! My husband and I wanted him in jail. As I walked down the hall to the court room. Was his mother sitting outside hugging her husband. First was oh how sad, good grief, your son is a murder. But for some reason and in that instance. I realized, she is a mother to and she lost him the same night I lost my daughter that he will never have a life or wife. His mother has had such grief as me. She stood up when she saw me. She came up to me. I know that you don't have to but will you please forgive this family and my son. I couldn't say anything but hug her and we cred together. I told her about her loosing her son and I loosing my daughter. She said that she is so sorry. And I said that it was ok! We pulled away to go in the court room and as she turned, her hair pin was a Blue Jay. I said I like your hair pin! She said its for your daughter. After the court, and her son was sentence to a very long time. We became the best of friends. If I would have judged her and never spoke I would have messed out on forgiveness and friendship. Now Once a year we go together and see the sign In Memory of Kristen 1992-2008. We both cry for the loss of our children on that night August 20, 2008.

Cathy your story was so heart touching. What a blessing you are to have. You are a strong and faithful women. That story truly blew me away! What a amazing God Wink! He tripled Winked at you and now you can help with forgiveness. If you can find the strengh to forgive and let God move then anyone can. I am honored to have you relate your story with something on my blog! I hope that God continues to bless you and your life. And for Kristen she would be so proud of you and the way you and your Husband handled everything. You are the kind of people we can get strengh from! So now you see where she related to my blog. I hope that "Seeds Of Hope" gives you none stop blessing from the Lord everyday!

So today when you feel like God isn't listening just give him time. But keep your eyes open for the answer. Life is precious tell the people you love most that you love them. Keep your time for the best times, and make the most you can. Don't hate, hold grudges, and be bitter. Let it go and make a friend in the process. Thank you Cathy for your story and God please bless Cathy, her Husband and Kristen.

Psalm 34:18
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit

Your story reminded me of this song Casting Crowns - Who Am I
That God heard you and knows you and loves you. And that goes for everyone! Love this song!

signing off - SmTownTexasGirl