Burden To Bear

Hi There!!

I had a question in my mind that I thought I might share kinda just makes since to. And I think alot of people can relate to it or going through it... The e-mail simply said:

Hi, What is the moment that most impacted you to know that this is your life? And what thoughts or reactions did you have? With being pregnant or with your son?

From someone just looking for some answers.

Well...... Umm as most young girls we would probably all be thinking the same thing. What am I going to do!! Or my parents are going to kill me. Or how about my life is over.... I have heard that from lots of people and YOUR life is not over!!

My "Lets Get It Together" moments would have to be the bathroom ha ha. I don't know why I always choose to find my peace there but I do. Maybe its a "Rest" room. Just for me. My things I can recall would be a moment of clarification in my life. Which I will talk about but, remembering that at such a young age it is only natural for you to be afraid or worried. You are not financially ready or mentally ready for the changes that are about to happen. Its ok to think that, it does not mean that you hate this baby coming or that your life is over and that my son/daughter is going to hate me because I couldn't even bare to know if I wanted them. Honestly even if you are married with everything together thoughts of CAN I DO THIS are going to be in your head! Once that child comes you will not remember a life without him/her. It will be like y'all have always been together no matter what. Kids are one of the many AMAZING gifts God gives us! And such great miracles to! The Burdens of children are hard and that's why God has a plan for that. Its first a Man and a Women getting married making a home then having children with two people that love and respect and honor and well have that covenant that God has covered them with "Marriage". So yes, its only natural to be afraid nothing is in order.

So here's a story about something that I have gone through. I remember a "Ah Ha" moment would be one day cleaning my kitchen. My son was born still pretty small. He was crawling around the little duplex looking, discovering with those eyes of wonder. As I watch his little eyes look at the sun reflecting in a mirror making little diamonds around the room, with a smile trying to figure out what is that? Moving his hand back and forth trying to grab it. I see his innocence and stop to think... I look at the sink, turn around and look at the living room. Walk back over to him give him a kiss and walk to his room. I lay him down for his nap, turn around to close the door. I had to pick up the door off the floor and put it in the frame to close it. Yes, it sounds ghetto but I had to make sure it was closed. The door had fallen off because I do not like to argue. One afternoon My X-husband wanted to argue about who knows what. I took my son into his room. Sat him down next to his toy box turned around and he was coming in still trying to yell. I quickly moved over and closed the door not knowing I had smashed his hand in the door which by the way he had broke about week before. He screamed and punched the door so hard it came right off the hinges and fell on the bed. I said, WATCH IT! What if he had been there? His reply was my hand is broken and YOU slammed the door on it. I grabbed my son and left over to my mothers which was about four houses down. Not saying a word to her about it. Just making small talk and getting my son in a calm place. As that flashes through the memory of the door. I stopped and thought what am I doing? I turned to walk back in the living room and sat down. The front door bell rang. I looked out the window and it was some of his friends. I made sure the door was locked and the back and went and sat in the bathroom floor in the dark. Jesus? Can you hear me? I know that I am not perfect and I don't deserve it. But I work so hard on keeping this place nice or clean or being a mother. Why can't you come to my rescue? Where are you? I put my head in my hands and started to cry. Looked at the carpet in the bathroom... Which by the way I HATED! Thinking seriously who wants carpet in there bathroom. The toilet never worked right and it had flooded and the bath tub also leaked I decide to rip it all out. I was so upset that it really didn't matter. I graded a corner and ripped up and there was tile under there. Little white nice tiles with tiny blue flowers. WOW, who would have known? Finished getting it up, and got all the nails out. And fix the door way part so the carpet in the hallway wouldn't come up. Smiled to myself I feel alittle better. Turned the radio on and shut the light back off and became very quiet. This place would be falling apart if it I had not been there to take care of it the best I could. When is it my turn for someone to take care of me? I started thinking again about the innocence of my son and what life I really wanted to give him. How my heart was changing and really how tried I was. I am like a single mother I thought to myself. Got up washed my face and went to lay down. After awhile I got up and got ready, took my son to my mothers before my shift at work. When he came home, I said look at the bathroom looks good huh? I guess, you can tell a girl had a hand in it. And I was still pretty upset about everything else and having no help. I said very rudely, well its better then no hands at all. Somebody had to take care of this place. The old saying you want it done right do it yourself. He quickly laughed and said, yea your right! I will start by helping you work out so maybe you can lose some weight and maybe it will be done right. Tears fell from my eyes. Oh really huh? That's real nice, thanks for making sure I feel even worse about myself. Oh I don't need to help you with that its called a mirror. Whatever! I yelled. I am going to work I went to the bathroom and grabbed my makeup bag because I knew I was going to cry and didn't want anyone to know. As I turned to leave, I said it would be real sad one day when I am no longer here. He said, Nope leave no one is stopping you! You said, we grow up and change. But I didn't mean it like that I meant its time for you to become a husband and Father. I went to my car and he said, By the way I need that took the keys and said go ask your mom for a ride or take her car! I have plans. Work wasn't to far so I walked. All the way there so mad! I couldn't breathe. I got to work and did my shift, not letting a soul no anything was wrong. I grabbed my stuff and headed out the back. When one of the girls saw me walking they said NO! its to late and dark. I will give you a ride. I said Thanks, lied and said having car issues. To embarrassed to say anything about it. She dropped me off. The house was dark. No one was there went inside to change to go get my son. Sat back down on the floor and bailed. It was my "Ah Ha" moment. JESUS! save me please God I can't take it anymore!! Hit the CD player to play. The CD in the top was a mix of some stuff I have burned from my little collection of music. I had not listened to all the songs on it yet. Turned up the music and The song started to play. And that's when I first said it, If He and Things are not going to change please please, GET ME OUT OF HERE! I sat back down on the floor and listened to the song.


Beauty from Pain by Superchick







That song was from God it was the perfect moment and the PERFECT song! It really changed my life from that point. It was like a "Promise" that He gave me. He will bring beauty from my pain. That Promise I never let go I held onto it until I made it out and through it. The song described every emotion and thought I was having. It was like he spoke right to me instantly.


Seeds Of Hope by Terese Holloway published by Creation House - God would not give me A burden to bear; To only cause grief And overwhelming despair. Along with each burden He'll give me faith to believe; He'll give me hope in the midst Of all I hear, feel and SEE!


Girls, don't let anyone ever tell you things about yourself that are NOT true. Those kind of scars are deep and the more you let build up the worst it is to get rid of. Stop that kind of abuse right at the beginning. Honestly HE is not going to change. You may think he loves you but really I think to most "boys" love the idea of you being his babies mama and cooking, and cleaning and really being his mother. Some guys use those hurtful words because they think if you think your UGLY,NASTY,FAT you won't leave or drill it in your head that NO one else will love you. That is a lie! And if you trust in the Lord you will find your happy. My quote on my fan page last night was, It is good to have a end in a journey, but it is the journey that matters in the end...... Very true. I learned that when I was looking for a Husband to respect, love,have humor, laughter, most important faith in God. I wanted someone that knew what it meant to have that relationship and knew that children and Family was very important to me. Guess what girls I found that man. He loves respect and Honors me as his wife and mother of his children. He helps and takes good care of us. We have our moments but the love I have for him is different and means more to me than anything. When you find what God is wanting you to look for go out and get it. I am glad I was given the chance to go out and find it. It was that promise that God gave me I will remain and there will be beauty from my pain and its not the end for me. And I choose to hold on to the Promise of there being a "Dawn" my sunrise.

So I did pretty much answered the question, I answered it as I knew that it was my life but I wasn't going to let it BE my life. My faith in God was so powerful but my hope and self esteem was running pretty low. And about being pregnant and my son I guess I answered your question. I tryed so hard to make a family and a life and make sure that he was happy and loved. Lets just say my son was loved and I made him my focus on getting away and out for a better life. That was my "Ah Ha" moment.


Ok so if you feel like this story relates to you feel free to email me Honestly God blessed me with great amount of strength and I did most of it alone. Or just God and I. And lots of Faith don't be afraid to tell someone its ok to feel like you can't do it alone. Sometimes when we are the ones in the relationship we don't see what is going on. And it makes it hard to believe that were not CRAZY like they said. Or that we are just losers and are nothing. Your main concern is if you are not married. You shouldn't be living together. That's a whole another story. But that should be your first clue. Does he respect me enough to marry me? Promise rings and lets get engaged in a year NO. That's what is wrong with us today make them fight for you. Make them show you that you are number one and they want you to be apart of there life. And if you are married step back and ask God
to show you not only a window but to open that door. And to have faith that when you go through to close it. Remember you will remain even through the pain and healing it hurts but you will make it. And like the poem says "He'll give me hope in the midist Of all I hear, feel, and see!" He will bring beauty from your pain. I am living proof of that one.

signing off- SmTownTexasGirl