Joy's Promise

Hi There!!

Start with page 370.

So you heard and probably read my blogs and live them with me. Either have gone through it or know someone that has.

I hope you are not tried of my stories... Because I felt like I was almost done... But more just keeps coming when I read a poem. And I have a good memory or bad memory. I relate to it because I was taught something from it. And God always brought Joy to my day or to that chapter of my life.

I had a class that the teacher gave a project to write a small scary book. It was only suppose to be two chapters long and so many pages. At the most he said. So I got home we had three weeks to complete this book. I worked and worked. Other kids were already starting to turn theres in way before me. I started think I have to get this done. But my book was getting super long. I told a western ghost story about some kids that stumbled on a old country western town. And finally finished it! 10 chapters and like almost 156 pages...later. If I can remember right. The teacher came up to me at the end of the week and ask me. Can I keep this for other classes I LOVE IT! I said sure. So did I make a A? He said you most certainly did! He told me it was awesome and intense. And had no idea I was going to write such a scary book. Before I left that day. Our student counselor came up to me with this teacher. And told me. Your teacher and I were talking about you today. I look at both of them think.... Oh my what? She smiled and said we were wondering for the rest of your writing class if you would right a journal for us? I said, What kind of journal? She said like a diary. You will turn it in to me of course. And no one will read it but me. Mr. Deason just wanted to let me know how good your story was and how interesting of a writer you might just be. I said ok? So... I am going to write about my day or what? Yes! write about your day or something that happened or right about anything you want to. Its all up to you. Ok, sure I said. Before I walked off she said. I have other kids doing this to. Just so you know. Really its to help get out stuff you really wouldn't. Your teacher seems to think that you have things lock away that you might want to put down on paper. Its a good way to express yourself and to put it on paper and out of your mind. Alright I can most definitely do that. So I followed her to her classroom and she handed me a pink spiral.

Seeds of Hope by Terese Holloway published by Creation House - Persistence in prayer, in the midst of it all; Through the darkness of night-- into the presence of God. Ever faithful is He, when my cries touch HIS ear; When I press through the pain, and to Him I draw near. Understanding the PRAISE, is my weapon to use; When my heart has been wounded, overwhelmed, and abused.


Pink is one of my favorite colors. I love it. I looked at that pink spiral and stared at the blue lines and the little pieces of paper coming of the spiral from the first page I ripped out. Look down at the unmade bed where the ball of spiral paper layed. All alone in my room, no TV on or music. Just alone. I grabbed a pencil because I didn't want to rip out anymore pages. So the counselor didn't think I was writing and hiding things. Ha Ha... really the first page I wrote was not very nice and it made me feel awful to even have wrote it down for someone else to see. So I just started writing about how my day started and what I wore to what I ate for lunch. When the baby was due, his name and his nursery was done in. Closed the spiral and went to bed alone. Went to school and turned in my spiral to the counselor. Went to class as always. Finished to leave. When she stoped me. Hey! come here, Is this all you are going to write for me? Is what color are you shoes today? Really? Maybe you are not understanding me. Why did you wear that color? Or those shoes. The babies room is done in Winnie the Pooh which is very cute. But why would you pick Winnie the Pooh? Do you see what I mean? Yes I do. I said under my breath. She said if you don't want to do this you can do a normal writing class. No! I will do this I just didn't understand you. So you want to know how does that make me feel? Or why am I not watching TV just sitting there? Yes! That is what I am talking about! I promise write it all down you will be surprised. Ok! Thank you. I hope I have a more exciting day for you. I said, as I walked off. I am tried I thought and I really might not feel like writing in a journal every night. UGH.... Got home got other things done. Went in my bedroom. Where I was alone. Reminding you I am married at this time 16 and pregnant. Alone again. Picked up my cell phone... No missed calls.. and no texts. Hmm.. almost ten o'clock picked up that pink spiral and a pencil and started writing......

Dear Journal:

No one is here. The room is quiet, there is no TV on. My alarm clock is set. My stuff is ready for the day. My stomach hurts. And my husband won't answer his phone. My closet light is on, but my feet are to swollen to even get up to turn it off. Guess I will go to sleep with it on. Just got a text but from a friend at school wanting to know if they can get a ride to school. But no husband. I heard my parents in the living room turn off the lights to go to bed. I have this disco ball that is turning and it makes the room look like it spins and will never stop. There is a new item in my room for the baby! Little blue sheets with little Winnie The Pooh's on it. That my dad put together. I just tryed to call my husband but no answer? Wonder why am I the one to sit at home! Why do I have to finish school! Why can't I go out! But when I tell this to my mom. She just says you can't you are more responsible then that. Take care of yourself and that baby. AND FINISH SCHOOL! So I get the rewards of being alone. In my room with nothing to do. Just tryed one more time to call him. Its almost eleven o'clock now. He probably won't come home until three. I know that I need to finish school for my son and for myself. So I get up to go. And you wanna know how that makes me feel? It makes me mad! To smile at people and just want everyone to leave me alone. Being the only girl in the school getting married and everyone is like well atleast he stayed with you. Really wanted to say something like you have no idea! It makes me sick to feel alone. It makes my eyes hurt they burn every morning because I cry so hard. No one hears me because I dig my face in the pillow and scream! Really.... No one even knows me. And thats ok with me. I will be fine. and thats just how I will be and so on and so on. The night before I was crying when he came home. I said You are home! Like a sad little puppy and he said will you please stop crying it annoys me. So I layed back down and didn't look at him. He told me I need to stop with this little kid stuff and grow up! You are about to be a mother and act like a 12 year old! If I see you crying again I will leave and decide when I will come back until you learn how you are making me feel like this is my fault! I have a life to and stop making it all about you. So of course I will listen why would I want him to leave. That makes me feel dumb for crying so I will not do it again, he is right I am acting like a child he works all day. And I just goto school. So really I am glad he is still around and thats how my day was I better goto sleep and stop crying before he gets home. Do you think God hears me anymore? Cause I am not sure?

Always and Forever------ Me


Seeds Of Hope by Terese Holloway published by Creation House - Finding my warfare, becomes strong when I praise; For my worship is worthy in HIS Holy Place. His presence is drawn to the depths of my soul; When I run from my SELF and I head to his throne. So, I'll stand in my nightmare and know who HE is; I will take every problem and I'll make them HIS!

That was pretty much what the first page said. It was along time ago. The counselor read it and got me out of my end class to come with her. She said WOW..... I read your first page. I said that is my second. She said, No that is your first. The one you turned in before was not like this one. I said I know because I misunderstood you. She said no you didn't. You didn't want to tell me. She started to tell me alittle about herself and how she feels like we had alot in common. She told me how important it is to keep writing she said its like a RELEASE. You will probably forget alot of things that happen just because you wrote it down. And there is something about letting it go on paper. She also told me that what I wrote about be a kid and the things he told me were not true. He was blaming me because he felt bad. And she showed me how he was doing that. Over time she did, I was hard headed and had a awful self esteem. I wrote three spirals for her. I learned how controlling he was from me reading them. I remember just were I hid these. So when I left I burned them. To never remember anything about that character of my life again. I do remember the first night I wrote the spirals. And how many how I was so angry and how everything was wrong and it was my first time to let anyone outside of my little life know what was happening. And honestly I really don't remember everything I wrote. All I remember is writing in those every night. How much I did cry and how I started figuring things out. The answers because my journals started turning into WHY GOD? or God can you help me tonight? Will you keep me safe and the baby from harm and stress. I remember peace in my words and how I was learning to LET GO. Even though it was a NIGHTMARE in my life! I never forgot about God! And I learned a life tool which was to RELEASE. To LET GO.

So I feel like thats why I do enjoy writing my blog. Its like my own personal diary for just me to express my thoughts on. I realized today that the stuff I have been writing about I never really got HEALING from. Sure I asked God to help me but I really never expressed some thing in the right way. Like now I know that its ok to talk about it. Its was part of my life. And the devil is not going to steal that from me. Its called my testimony. And I am willing to no longer hide and just might write it all down until God says here is what you need to SEE.... This happened because you are going here. Or that was part of your consequences but I learned if I do it right... There is always rewards from him to! So here is to my husband now my one true love! You are my knight and I love you with all my heart! Now you know why I might not cry in front of you or have a hard to expressing myself. Its not that I don't want to its because I had some scars. And I see that now. I want to be able to express or tell you how I feel. I was beaten down so long in my younger years that I thought that was how I was suppose to act. I was not suppose to cry and I was not suppose share anything. So for all those years of build up and secrets GOODBYE. I have written you down and I release you to God. Because like the poem says I'll make them HIS.

So long story short ha ha! Today Go and see if you write down just how you feel what will happen. Or start a paper with This is why I feel like this today. You might be SURPRISED just what it said. And remember its time to RELEASE it. Let God have it hand it over and say I have written this down for you God. Maybe even start off with Dear God..... He will never forsake me. He showed me today that quick glipse about writing that journal even though it seems like I can't remember everything but that first day and really how there was healing in what I was doing Its were it really started Where the "Healing Begins". So Thank you God for pointing that out to me and showing me.... And you answered my question...... There is still some things that need release... And there is still a story..... Tomorrow question.... What are you going to show me today Lord I am ready?!


Signing off - SmTownTexasGirl

Therefore my heart is glad and my glory [my inner self] rejoices; my body too shall rest and confidently dwell in safety. Psalm 16: 9



Another Great Song that is amazing it goes with my story its what helped me write this blog today! Its just how I felt in that character of my life.

Healing Begins: Music Video